Kate Middleton and The Queen of Scots
by bertmacklin
Summary: The first installment of the Kate Middleton and The Queen of Scots series: The Case of the Questionable Queen. Kate Middleton becomes suspicious of Queen Elizabeth's behavior, so she enlists the help of Mary Queen of Scots, who is cryogenically frozen in Westminster Abbey.


Once upon a time, on the damp island kingdom of England, Princess Kate Middleton-Windsor was sitting in Buckingham Palace, enjoying a lovely spot of tea with her husband: Prince William Middleton-Windsor.

"Oh my, I do quite fancy this tea, my love," said Kate, as she took a sip of her English Breakfast.

"It goes quite well with a crumpet and scones, you simply must try it," replied William, known for his love of bland pastries.

"I must say, being a princess is the most smashing occupation in the world," Kate thought aloud. Kate loved her new life in the palace with her husband, the prince, and the rest of his royal family.

"I imagine it pales in comparison to being a queen." William winked. Kate blushed. William was right, being Queen would be the cat's pajamas.

William stood up and kissed Kate on the cheek. "Well darling, I must be off to Cambridge to do my Duking duties."

"Have a great day ruling, my dear. Do kill an unruly peasant for me, won't you?"

"Anything for my princess." William left the room. Leaving Kate with her thoughts.

Since the closing ceremony of the London 2012 Olympics™, Kate's life felt somewhat emptier. She had become addicted to the month of non-stop, multinational sport and exceptionally expensive displays of cultural identity. She tried to satiate her addiction by forcing commoners to play tennis for her amusement, but she quickly grew weary of this and had them beheaded for treason. Kate sighed, perhaps excitement would return to her life, but in the meantime, she had Queen lessons with her grandmother-in-law: Her Royal Majesty Elizabeth II, The Queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

Kate walked to the Diamond Jubilee Room, which Queen Elizabeth built in celebration of her sixtieth year as Ultimate Grand Supreme Ruler of the United Kingdom. Kate knocked on the diamond studded door. The door swung open.

"JUBILEEEEE!" exclaimed Queen Elizabeth as she hugged Kate.

"Jubilee to you as well, your majesty," Kate said.

"Now, Katherine, what have I told you about calling me that? Your Majesty is my father's name, you may call me Elizabeth," Elizabeth smiled.

Queen lessons went well that day. Kate learned about proper waving etiquette when meeting commoners, it was very informative.

…

That night, Kate went to her bedroom to find a raven. She carefully unwrapped the piece of paper attached to its leg. The paper read:

"Dearest Kate,  
I'm afraid my Duking duties will take the rest of the week, so I must stay in Cambridge. To make it up to you, I have sent Gordon Ramsay to make you dinner. Please do not tip him.  
Love always,  
William"

Kate sighed, another night alone. At least dinner would be delicious and profanity laden.

…

That night, Kate had trouble sleeping. Outside the palace, Kate heard a whizzing sound. She got up and went to the window. She looked out and saw a ring of bright green lights spinning. The ring grew in size as the sound got louder and louder. The lights rushed past her window and disappeared.

CRASH! The walls of the room shook terribly. After a moment, the shaking ceased. Kate put on her royal nightie and walked to the Jubilee room to check on the Queen. As she approached the Jubilee room, Kate noticed a bright green light spilling under the door. She ran to the door and knocked on it.

"Elizabeth, are you okay in there? I heard a sound that has given me an awful fright!" Kate put her head against the door to listen.

Kate heard a strange gurgling sound, followed by a zapping sound. Then a terrible scream rang through the door and into the hallway. Kate knew the sound of an old woman screaming when she heard it, there was no doubt that this was the Queen. Kate began knocking furiously on the door.

"Elizabeth, what's wrong, please let me in," Kate demanded over the screams of the Queen. The sound grew more horrid by the moment. Panicked, Kate tried to knock down the door. No luck, as this door was made of solid, diamond encrusted platinum. Kate kicked the door furiously until she had no energy left. Defeated and panting, she collapsed against the door as the screams continued.

Then there was silence. Kate stood up, and examined the door. She went to knock on it, when it swung open. The Queen stood before her in her full royal gown.

"Hello, Katherine. Awfully late, to chat, isn't it?" the Queen said curtly.

"Sorry Elizabeth, I heard-"

"You will refer to me as 'Your Royal Highness' or 'Your Majesty!' I'll have none of this Elizabeth business, are we clear?" Elizabeth said.

Kate was confused, but she nodded and spoke softly, "Yes, my Queen."

"Well, if that's all, I will bid you good night," the Queen snapped.

"Goodnight, Your Majesty. I look forward to Queen lessons in the morning," Kate said.

"I'm afraid that won't be the case, Queen lessons are cancelled," the Queen said.

"But Your Royal Highness, however will I learn to be a Queen?" Kate pleaded.

"You will never be Queen, my love, because I will never die!" The Queen shut the door. Kate was confused. There was a mystery afoot, and she would have to solve it.


End file.
